I am difficult.
I can be: stubborn, jealous, petty, judgmental, pessimistic, afraid, reactive, clingy, distant, challenging, condescending, elitist, manipulative, closed minded, and paranoid. I occasionally catch myself being racist, sexist, agist, homophobic, and heterophobic. I can disguise my negative thoughts with good intentions, my negative actions with positive motives, procrastinate to the point of failure, and use my tongue as a weapon. I can be lazy, sloppy, and make the people around me bristle with discomfort.
I am easy.
I can be kind, generous, thoughtful, romantic, and sweet. I can make you feel like you are the only person that matters in the world, and that your very existence makes my experience on earth a better one. I am great with children, and almost every animal I have ever met likes me. A lot. I am intelligent, talented, capable, willing, honest, open minded, and inclusive. I bring people that normally would not mix together, I can converse with homeless people with the same ease that I converse with PhDs who are at the top of their game. I interview like no one you have ever seen. I can see the good in every person and situation if I choose to. I am painfully optimistic.
I am broken.
I have been hurt, abandoned, forgotten, judged, and excluded. I have experienced homophobia, ridicule and failure in front of people that matter to me. A lot. I have been abused, raped, beaten, and torn down from my highest places. I have been diagnosed with a dissociative disorder that makes it occasionally impossible for me to connect with the world around me regardless of the desperation to do so. I am afraid to love, afraid to trust, afraid to succeed, afraid to fail, afraid of you...but mostly afraid of me.
I am healing.
I challenge myself to see all of me, every day. I also challenge myself to see all of you. I have a therapist and friends with whom I am gut wrenchingly honest, always. Even when, no, ESPECIALLY when I do not want to be. I am a willing participant in a relationship with a higher power upon whom I give the credit for my success and draw strength from in my challenges, but never blame for my pain. I am more connected now to myself and the world around me than I have ever been, every day that I can be.
I should come with a warning...
and if I did it would read: Caution...human.
