Someone asked me yesterday if they were "cramping my style"...which led me to the question: what is MY STYLE??
I am a 43 (almost 44) year old woman who:
Listens to rap, instrumental, rock, pop and classical music
Enjoys staying in bed all day as much as I enjoy climbing mountains
Both loves and hates being around kids
Prefers a job that I can wear a baseball hat
Enjoys chick flicks and watching things blow up
Fancies myself fiercely independent and dependent
Am both smothered and fueled by being "needed"
Wants to feel emotions but am constantly overwhelmed when I do
Thinks dogs are better company than people
Wears jeans and t shirts every day, and have since I was 3
Wants to fit in everywhere but often feel like I belong no where
Doesn't ever seem to be attracted to any specific gender, but bases those decisions on...personality
Oh, the list could go on and on, but why? In my last post I tried to be as honest as I could about who I am, and now I am venturing into how I live. The object of these exercises is not to get others to see my diversity or accept me, it is for ME to see my diversity and accept me.
I was telling someone last week after being asked why I was doing something that they had not expected, that I am trying to learn to live based on WHO I AM and not on HOW YOU SEE ME. I do not always know or understand what that means, or what the breadth of the implications of that choice are for myself. I do know that 20 years ago, I could not...publicly...do anything that would challenge others version of who I was. And I was quite compartmentalized about those decisions. Work, recovery, social life, family. Not always in that order.
It was in 2001 that I decided to try to figure out who I am without your opinions shaping me. Since that time, I have made egregious errors in judgement, lost friends, disappointed family, made friends, made excellent decisions, had my family so proud of me that there were not words for them to use. I have lost jobs, gotten jobs, been at the top of my game, and hit bottom. I have faltered. I have fallen in and out of love, grieved over the loss of my two and four legged best friends, made new friends, moved, setlled down, gotten married and divorced. I have explored my values, questioned and felt confident in my sense of God, ebbed and flowed, waxed and waned. I have been confused and undaunted, I have walked through paralyzing depression and overwhelming joy.
I have come to realize that life is much "neater" when I live by other peoples expectations, regulations, rules and descriptions for me. Unfortunately, it is also uncomfortable, restricting and limited. I make no excuses for the choices I have made.
Instead, I offer only one explanation...it's my style.
