I have heard people all week call suicide selfish...I used to think the same thing...but then:
Let's start with my owning something: I am fairly judgmental. I do not mean to be...but I am. I usually learn HOW I am when it is too late, and it is generally after I find myself in a situation similar to one I saw as so easily navigable before I was actually living it. Depression is one of those places...that I was sure I knew the way out of until I actually was in it.
Here are some unsolicited pieces of advice I have given and received:
Just act as if...
Fake it till you make it...
If you would just get out and DO something you would feel better...
This is a choice...
You just need to...(fill in the blank)
You are too smart to act like this...
Feelings aren't facts...
You just need to pray...
This too shall pass...
You need more exercise.
Try eating healthier foods.
God never gives you more than you can handle...
You're better than this...
Get dressed up...looking good will make you FEEL better...
If you would just ASK FOR HELP, this would get better...
You are only talking about wanting to die to get attention...
Quite frankly, when I was offering those little gems to people, I was offended when they did not heed to my brilliance and wake up singing the praises of unicorns and rainbows. My life was amazing after all. I was active in the prevention community, helping teens shape better lives for themselves. I was a teacher. I was active in a spiritual community. I was athletic, happy, healthy. I knew I had problems, but I was living in the solution. After all, everyone has bad days, and those concepts helped me walk through mine, so of course they would help them too. At that point, I can honestly say I did not "get" depression...until I was in one...and then:
I didn't want to be unemployable, but I didn't have the energy to hold a job
I didn't want to be isolated, but I felt less alone when I was by myself
I wanted help but I felt that I did not deserve it.
I wanted to be heard, but there were no words that adequately described what was happening inside me
When I did reach out, I did not feel supported. I felt misunderstood, judged, and embarrassed
People telling me what I "could", "should", and "needed" to do left me feeling like I was incapable, broken and stupid
I didn't want to die, I just felt like I could not keep living
When I wanted to not be alive, it was not because I didn't consider other people's feelings...it was because I couldn't stop considering other people's feelings. I thought I was a burden. Hopeless. Helpless. I was tired of asking for and needing help but not being able to change what I was experiencing. I was tired of hearing what I wasn't doing. I really thought everyone would be better off...that my depression would stop dragging other people down, stop hurting the people I love. I thought I would stop breaking their hearts. I knew that losing me would hurt people at first, but I believed, in my heart of hearts, that the pain of losing me quickly would be less than the pain of watching me die slowly. I just wanted to stop hurting people with my EXISTENCE.
Those were not thoughts of self-pity. I did not want attention. I did not want to be saved, fixed or changed. I did not want your views, opinions or suggestions imposed upon me.
Finally, I found people that understood what I was experiencing and they allowed me to be, to feel, to "own" my truth and that was what changed for me. The truth. As ugly and as horrible as I thought it was...finally not having to pretty it up, make it palatable, make excuses for it, or minimize it for other people's comfort...it was being able to claim MY reality that changed my reality. Thank God I found one person who did not try to change me, but accepted me...accepted my pain, me perspective, ME.
Because of my personal experience, my approach to depression has changed. I am no longer living in depression consistently, but I certainly flirt with it on occasion. Not because I choose to, but because it happens. These are my new techniques for relationships I have with people who live with depression...(I would appreciate if this is how you would treat me if I ever am back in a depression that incapacitates me):
I no longer offer advice, solicited or not. I ask questions, after I ask if it would be ok for me to do so. I communicate when I am afraid for someone's safety, and ask for confirmation of safety if they are able to give that. I do not push. I listen and occasionally ask for clarification, but try to steer clear of sentences that turn the conversation into one about me (I remember feeling that way...I have been there....when I felt that way I...). I let our friendship ebb and flow, and when I struggle with that, I talk to people unrelated to the situation. I do not share my fears or frustration with them, as they are struggling enough without the added guilt of what I am experiencing. I try to remember that they have a God...and that it is not me.
Being depressed is as much a personal choice as being a homosexual. I can remember someone asking me once (or several times) why I "chose to be gay"...my response was (sarcastic as usual)..."because I want to be judged, ridiculed, outcast, humiliated, questioned, threatened and feel apart from society as a whole". In other words...I did not CHOOSE to be gay. Nor do people CHOOSE to be depressed. They are not doing anything TO you, any more than a gay child is doing something TO their parents...and you do not have to get it, support it, or experience it...you just have to accept it
