Thursday, October 15, 2015

Restless, Irritable, and Discontent

A lot has happened over the last 8 weeks of my life.

I got engaged.
I found out my future in laws would rather me be an OUT law (not the fun kind).
My father passed away.
I packed up the apartment that has been my home for 5 years.
I moved to a new apartment.
I started grad school.
I threw away most of my father's earthly possessions.
I started a new internship.
My laptop was destroyed.
I learned that I STILL do not understand statistics, even when I think I do.

Any one of those things is enough to cause anxiety. All of those things together, for me, result in a complete internal meltdown with simultaneous external "success". By success I mean that I am still, most of the time, able to function at a fairly high level. Outside the home that is.

Inside the home I have become petty, picky, high maintenance, critical, cranky, and completely anti-affection.

My expectations of myself far exceed my actual skills as a human being. I expect myself to let go of my father without even a glance back. I cannot. I expect myself to be able to let go of my old apartment without any feelings. I cannot. I expect myself to be my usual happy-go-lucky self. I cannot. I expect myself to sleep well at night. I cannot. I expect myself to feel good. I do not. I expect myself to be able to seamlessly and correctly identify the statistical formula I need for basic problems. I CANNOT.

Here is where the Serenity Prayer comes into play...

God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I used to believe that meant that I could not change anything outside my own skin...other people's reactions, feelings, responses, actions, and attitudes...but that the things within my skin, my attitudes, actions, and beliefs...those I could alter to achieve my destination. SERENITY.

As I was typing that, I think I had an epiphany. It is entirely true.

It is not that I have to change what I am feeling or even what I am capable of. It is that I have to be more gentle with myself, have patience the same way I would with others, grant myself a modicum of understanding about the intensity of the past two months and all that was attached to them. How others respond to my recovery, my process and my capabilities is simply not my business. Perhaps, if I start treating myself with love, patience, and respect...I will treat others that way as well. It has worked in the past...no reason it cannot work now.

Sometimes I forget that the basics apply to everything. In spirituality, in life...and even in statistics.