This morning, I burst into tears, but there was no obvious reason. Two hours later, after feeling internally agitated I decided to leave the house to try to work on my thesis. While walking through the door, I looked at Inga, and my eyes welled up again. I am not OK.
I want to believe that I am not alone in my anxiety, fear, and sadness right now. I need to trust that other people are watching what is happening in our country and are just as outraged as I am. I want the feelings that I am having to compel me into action, and yet I am finding myself paralyzed. I am overwhelmed with the conflict, I am sickened by the polarization, I am offended by the lack of empathy and compassion. I am afraid to see what is happening, and I am equally afraid not to. I cannot tear my thoughts away from the destruction of a nation I am a citizen of.
I am not afraid of my President, per se. I am afraid of bigotry. I am afraid of prejudice. I am afraid of intolerance. I am afraid of misogyny. I am afraid of extremists...not only the ones beyond our borders...but also the ones that I am watching within the boundaries of our country. I am afraid of ignorance. I am afraid of the apparent lack of desire or capacity for intelligent and honest debate. I am afraid of the lack of foresight. I am afraid of finances being put ahead of social progress. I am afraid of the divisiveness that I am witnessing. I am afraid of people trying to shut down others voices. I am afraid that we no longer are united.
I am sad...I am sad to the core of my body. I am sad that we are not looking at the consequences of OUR behavior. I am sad that women stood together last week and were belittled for it. I am sad that people are made fun of for being terrified. I am sad that people who already feel marginalized are trying to find a way to stay connected to a society that by and large lacks the basic capacity for understanding their marginalization. I am sad that we have to have secret groups on Facebook to feel safe in our expression of our beliefs. I am sad that I have people in my orbit that say things like "stop being a baby" when I express my fears. I am sad that I have to write blogs like this, to purge my heart so I can focus on my school work.
I am really struggling to find a sense of equilibrium inside my own body. I feel like I am being assaulted by my sensations.
It feels like I am being held hostage and I do not know how to negotiate for my own release.
As I look around, I wonder if other's are in hostage situations as well. Fearing disconnect for expressing their views, challenged by the onslaught of inaccurate reassurances, wondering who is going to insure that we will protect the rights of those with dissenting views, leery of the outcome of the actions that are being taken. I wonder if anyone else feels guilty for not being soothed even after 2 million people worldwide stood up for their voices to be heard, willing to fight on a global level to make sure that we continue to move forward rather than backward.
I am not a victim. I am not a baby. I am not hysterical. I do not need to get over anything. I will not be silenced. I will be sad for as long as I am, I will be afraid until I am not, I will not diminish or excuse my feelings for anyone else's comfort. I refuse.
I will stand, with pride, as the woman I am... a whole, feeling, thinking, acting, breathing human.
Saturday, January 28, 2017
Thursday, January 19, 2017
One Simple Request
I have something to ask of you, and it is simple, but it is far from small.
Tomorrow, people in the United States will undergo a transition that we have all experienced before, the passing of the highest seat in the land from one man to another. There will be people who will find this to be a moment of celebration, and those who will experience grief, but we all have one thing in common, we are again entering the unknown.
The unknown is a frightening place for some and an exhilarating for others. The sensations in your body can range from "butterflies" to knots in your stomach, from racing thoughts to laser like focus, from tingling on your skin to numbness. We all express our response to those feelings in a way unique to us, in a way that in the past has kept us "safe" from the fear. We predict, project, blame, deny, look to our personal history for patterns, look to world history for patterns...we need to feel settled in "knowing".
We do not know though. We do not know what this Presidency will bring to any of us. Not one of us has the capacity to see the future, or to fortune tell. We may make educated guesses, and some will be right, others will be wrong, and we will have an opportunity to say "SEE!! I WAS RIGHT", but really it is just the way probability works. We will ALL be right and we will ALL be wrong, perhaps about different issues, but we will ALL feel the thrill and defeat of our thoughts and ideas.
One thing is for certain though, we are all in this together. Not just here in the United States, but our elected officials in the nation's capital impact the world at large. Our policies, our choices, our language, our economy, our education and health care impact all citizens, both here and abroad. The way we model behavior for our children, both on a political and personal front informs how they will interpret the world around them and the people in it. The way we treat others says nothing about them, it simply and wholly says a lot about who we are, and how we see ourselves.
I do not understand how some people view the world. I do not understand how some people view policies that I consider essential for the safety of women, Muslims, Hispanics, Black people, GLBTQ people, disabled people and all others who are perhaps different than them. I do not understand how people can hold their own interests over the good of the whole. However, I also do not understand why people who say they are interested in human rights are finding it acceptable to attack others based on their beliefs.
Over the course of the next 24 hours, and perhaps longer if you can...can you all please non-judgmentally hold space for what the people you encounter are feeling? To put that differently, can you take a moment to, in each of your encounters both on social media and in person, see that every one of us is human first? Can you ask WHY people are afraid, or even WHY they are not? Can you listen and respect their answers? Can you stop with the hateful language, the disrespectful posts, the angry exchanges? Can you find it in you to hear the opposition and sit with your discomfort during tough conversations about sensitive topics and show respect for the person who holds views unlike your own?
I know this is a huge ask. I invite you to notice how it made you feel inside to read this, and what perhaps made you bristle. Then I invite you to remember that you are not alone, there are things that make us all bristle...but it is going to take us truly hearing and respecting each other to make any true progress, and that is what we need right now.
I am afraid, not of what I know, but of what I do not. Tomorrow we embark on the unknown together, let's do it as equal humans with vast histories and rich experiences that influence our perspectives.
It is but one simple request.
Tomorrow, people in the United States will undergo a transition that we have all experienced before, the passing of the highest seat in the land from one man to another. There will be people who will find this to be a moment of celebration, and those who will experience grief, but we all have one thing in common, we are again entering the unknown.
The unknown is a frightening place for some and an exhilarating for others. The sensations in your body can range from "butterflies" to knots in your stomach, from racing thoughts to laser like focus, from tingling on your skin to numbness. We all express our response to those feelings in a way unique to us, in a way that in the past has kept us "safe" from the fear. We predict, project, blame, deny, look to our personal history for patterns, look to world history for patterns...we need to feel settled in "knowing".
We do not know though. We do not know what this Presidency will bring to any of us. Not one of us has the capacity to see the future, or to fortune tell. We may make educated guesses, and some will be right, others will be wrong, and we will have an opportunity to say "SEE!! I WAS RIGHT", but really it is just the way probability works. We will ALL be right and we will ALL be wrong, perhaps about different issues, but we will ALL feel the thrill and defeat of our thoughts and ideas.
One thing is for certain though, we are all in this together. Not just here in the United States, but our elected officials in the nation's capital impact the world at large. Our policies, our choices, our language, our economy, our education and health care impact all citizens, both here and abroad. The way we model behavior for our children, both on a political and personal front informs how they will interpret the world around them and the people in it. The way we treat others says nothing about them, it simply and wholly says a lot about who we are, and how we see ourselves.
I do not understand how some people view the world. I do not understand how some people view policies that I consider essential for the safety of women, Muslims, Hispanics, Black people, GLBTQ people, disabled people and all others who are perhaps different than them. I do not understand how people can hold their own interests over the good of the whole. However, I also do not understand why people who say they are interested in human rights are finding it acceptable to attack others based on their beliefs.
Over the course of the next 24 hours, and perhaps longer if you can...can you all please non-judgmentally hold space for what the people you encounter are feeling? To put that differently, can you take a moment to, in each of your encounters both on social media and in person, see that every one of us is human first? Can you ask WHY people are afraid, or even WHY they are not? Can you listen and respect their answers? Can you stop with the hateful language, the disrespectful posts, the angry exchanges? Can you find it in you to hear the opposition and sit with your discomfort during tough conversations about sensitive topics and show respect for the person who holds views unlike your own?
I know this is a huge ask. I invite you to notice how it made you feel inside to read this, and what perhaps made you bristle. Then I invite you to remember that you are not alone, there are things that make us all bristle...but it is going to take us truly hearing and respecting each other to make any true progress, and that is what we need right now.
I am afraid, not of what I know, but of what I do not. Tomorrow we embark on the unknown together, let's do it as equal humans with vast histories and rich experiences that influence our perspectives.
It is but one simple request.
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