Thursday, June 4, 2020

Trauma

Trauma.

What a powerful word, right? 

When we hear it, it conjures up images of veterans, rape survivors, car accidents...individuals. Single humans, in one off events who we have understanding of, patience with, and compassion for. 

Regardless of age, gender, or race we can, when aware of a person's trauma history, make choices to support them as they develop systems and safeguards to move forward stronger and more skilled than ever. We as a nation, after a lot of years and painful resistance, have learned how to collectively love and honor those people, as they fit our definition and understanding of the phrase "trauma survivor".

But what about when its an entire race that is carrying that trauma? What about when that trauma is ingrained in your DNA, your oral and written history, in the blood your ancestors? What about when the trauma is currently happening, but is so ingrained it's not even on your radar, but instead is experienced as an underlying current of static discomfort?

I'm going to stop you right there before you tell me that slavery ended with people's grandparents, and the generational impact of racism by ownership is made up. I encourage you to educate yourselves on the history of slavery and ownership...there are dark secrets hidden in the fluffy folds of the American fabric. Also, there's about 10 years of documented research showing that trauma is passed on neurobiologically and neurochemically for up to three generations... so sometimes those fears that you experience that you can't explain, aren't yours at all, but you experience them anyway!

When trauma is triggered in individuals, a few things happen. Most of them are invisible to the human eye and the conscious human mind. In other words, changes take place, that most times we aren't aware of, but they result in an involuntary fight, flight, or freeze response. And then...well...who knows. (My behavior is about as unpredictable as New England weather in those situations, not sure about you.)

The initial response to others responding to trauma, for me, especially if I am unaware or not noticing, is to become defensive. "I didn't cause (fill in the blank) in you, why do I have to pay the price for what others did?" Even better, "will you calm down? Nothing is even happening right now!" or my personal favorite: "I thought we were past this....". 

As I am typing those sentiments, I see that it sounds a lot like white people responding to the black community. Doesn't it?

I'm going to stop you again, because I felt the hackles go up when I typed the last sentence. I'm not talking about individuals when I say white people. "You" can be a single person or a group, and my comments are directed at the group. I'm talking about a community. Society. The nation. 

Of course there are individuals that willingly and enthusiastically participate in racist activities. However, 98% of Americans don't, and no one is claiming they do. What people are claiming, is that the system, the government, the laws, the pay structure, the infrastructure, the educational system, the gerrymandering, the disparity in investment in the future of the youth, etc...needs an overhaul. A look-see. A redo. Not a go back...a move forward. The way that Germany did with the Jewish community...an acknowledgement and effort for reparations. 

You're right, I don't know anyone that was born into historic slavery, but I do know that our current laws are designed to enslave our most vulnerable populations. I know that people who do not have white skin are arrested, charged, and convicted at a higher rate percentage-wise than white people. And I know that everyone that lives in a prison, works for less than a dollar a day doing something to make my life, and yours, better. Making a license plate, making travel arrangements, training service dogs, cleaning trash on the highway...modern day government sanctioned, constituent supported work camps.

I know that when slavery ended, at least publicly, very few black American families had any accumulated or even foundational wealth. Similar to inmates leaving prison, they left with nothing in search of the American dream. Clusters of black Americans formed impoverished communities, because we set it up that way. 

And the way the system is designed doesn't stop a few from escaping and succeeding...like fish who escape a net. Funny that those are the few that you use to bolster the argument that change isn't necessary. 

However, it's the few that aren't part of a protest for revolution, that you focus on to bolster the argument that the black community no longer deserves to be heard. That the destruction, the riots, the outcry of generational pain and depression isn't worthy of hearing, because they're traumatic response isn't to our liking. 

The fact that people took advantage of their trauma, riding the backs of protesters to loot and damage communities, should make us stand together more committed to this fight than ever. These predatorial people who take advantage of humans who are in pain, are not part of a movement for our greater good, but for their own personal gain. Let's allow them to be the catalyst that creates some awareness for true and fundamental change.

The point is, that we are looking at a community who is experiencing trauma. They are searching for a way for their collective experience to be heard, seen, and honored. They have, en masse, "hit the deck"...and our job is to provide cover until they feel safe and protected...which is what you do when your own troops are under fire. You never leave anyone behind. ANYONE. EVER. 

Because this community, the black community, are part of our nation. They are part of the people that we fight for, die for, and we shouldn't stop fighting until they are equal. In every way. 

For now though, I believe we need to embrace the black community the same way we embrace soldiers coming home from war. With the knowledge that the trauma is still happening, and even though we may not see it, they're still feeling it...and the one thing I know we can do, is help them find their way to safety. Together.

Trauma.

What a powerful word, right?

Wednesday, February 5, 2020

We Created This

I will not join any of you today (or any day) in your bashing of our government, or its officials.
Not because I like what they do, what they stand for, or how they act...but because I believe we created this problem. They gave us what we wanted, and we are mad at them for acting that way.
We caused this.
The national addiction to sensationalism and headlines, the bloodlust and joy over watching people's destruction, the unabashed personalities that we encourage to get into the political ring, the fact that politics have become a financial and popularity contest rather than a serious search for skillsets and policy experience, the 24 hour news cycles, and of course...the self serving attitude that we won't vote for people that we disagree with even if they are better for the whole population.
We forgot that we are a nation of individuals, that we don't have a cookie cutter populace, that we have a myriad of wants, needs, and hopes, that we aren't a wild pack of animals protecting the king and allowing the picking off the weak for food...we are country that used to fight to raise our lowest and encourage them rather than design a world where they have no chance. They ARE us.
We worship all that costs money, and forget all that doesn't. It's a system of money talks which means that a lot people with good characters walk. Hell, we won't even let candidates debate if they haven't raised enough capital, as if only people with money get a voice in who gets elected. If the people you represent can't afford to keep up with the ones who support the opposition, you don't even get to go to the fight and try.
We encourage a two party system for a nation that has grown to a size and population our forefathers couldn't have imagined. They only represent two lines of thinking when there are thousands. They represent ideas under umbrellas, within boxes and without legal justifications only moral resistance without logical cause. We forget that the men who wrote the constitution would be equally as concerned at the fact that women and non white folks were allowed in the House chamber as they would be with gun laws. They would not have allowed such chaos or disregard for themselves.
We make race, sexual orientation, and gender more important than the person we want to vote for. People advocate for and against candidates based on those attributes alone, leaving out the relevant topics of experience and policy proposals.
We create laws to force people to behave the way we want. We make laws about morality and behavior that apply to only certain genders or skin colors.
We created them. Only we can change it.
The forest people....not the trees. Pelosi? Tree. Trump? Tree. The society we created? Forest.
We created this.

Tuesday, January 28, 2020

The helicopter crash heard round the world...and in my heart

A helicopter went down a couple of days ago on the coast of California. On board, there were nine people. A pilot (Ara Z), a family of three (John, Kerry and Alyssa), a kids basketball coach (Christine), A mom and daughter (Sarah and Payton) and of course a father and daughter who had considerable fame prior to the crash...Kobe and Gianna. 

As part of the world comes to terms with the sudden and unexpected loss of a basketball icon, others are up in arms over the other eight passengers and the sexual assault charges brought against Kobe in 2003. The latter is what prompted this blog post.

One of my jobs as a human is to pay attention to my physical indicators, or "sensations", when something doesn't sit right with me. Those feelings, that clench in my gut or increase in breathing, have been hitting fairly hard over the past few days as I see people negate Kobe Bryant as a victim because of his past accusation and acknowledgment in a sexual assault case in 2003. 

At first I was not sure what my problem was...after all, it is factual. Kobe was arrested, there was the option to go to trial or to settle and he settled, including a statement read in public in which he acknowledged that the woman did not experience their encounter as consensual. So, why does the focus on his sexual history bother me so much? 

I think it is because of my father. My complicated, painful, so full of love it breaks my soul open relationship that I had with my father, and now with his memory. That is no less complicated than the real deal, trust me. My father was my perpetrator when I was young. Now...he and I went to therapy, we worked through my childhood together...we literally walked through what we could together (mostly facts, I wasn't able to process emotion with him ever). We were not the norm, not the status quo. We were both involved in the 12 steps and we wanted to face our shit in hopes of recovery, and it mostly worked. Though to be fair, no matter the work that we did, there was no undoing the deed he had done. The history was there, still. It was never going to be gone...but it wasn't all there was to us.

My father was not in my life from when I was 12 until I was in my early 20s and he got sober. From there, he and I built a life as father and daughter. I spent a lot of years angry at him. Angry at his neighbor for telling me I was a bad daughter for not visiting more, when being alone in a room with him sometimes was all that I could do...and not for long at that. It was hard, but it was worth it. In the end, I was able to be present for my father as he died. And in that moment, the one where his soul left his body, it became unmistakably clear to me that I loved him. The feeling of love was like a floodgate had opened inside me, and washed over me in waves, it has continued to for three years. 

See? Complicated.

So, this week, a man died in a crash, he was one of nine that perished. He was the most famous, so his worst moment was famous also...and some people cannot get past his moment. SO, they post about it. Reminders, prompts. Putting his worst moment front and center...claiming there is no mourning for a man who has done such a disgusting deed. Forgetting he is a father, a son, a husband, he was a friend, a teammate, a person. Or maybe not forgetting. Perhaps just not caring.

Every time I read the comments about Kobe, I see them in reference to my father. I hear my friends saying my father dying is not a loss to the world. I hear them saying that only 8 people on that helicopter mattered and that the death of the last isn't relevant because of a history he owned over 15 years ago...and I hear them say that my father owning his behavior and trying to grow doesn't matter either.

I am not saying people should not post how they feel about Kobe dying, and their projected value of his worth. Everyone gets to experience things in their own way.  I am simply owning how I am experiencing the comments praising his death. I hear them as the daughter of an admitted sexual assault perpetrator. And my father was a man, who perhaps similar to Kobe, did not and does not deserve to be held down to his worst moments...



My thoughts and prayers are with all of the families, friends and associates of each of the victims in the crash earlier this week.