She swears that everywhere is perfect, 'cept the place she wants to leave

For most of my life, being somewhere or someone else has been my dominating thought. 

When I was a child I wanted to grow up. When I was at school I wanted to be outside playing. When I was outside playing I wanted to be camping. When I was camping I wanted to be at the beach. When I was at the beach I wanted to be at an amusement park. When I was good I wanted to be better. When I was bad, I wanted to be worse. When I was part of the crowd I wanted to stand out, and when I stood out I wanted to disappear.

As a young adult the thing I wanted to get away from was more intimate, it was me. I made a lot of attempts to get away. I tried alcohol, drugs, jobs, friends, cities, states, countries...but wherever I was and whatever I was doing, there was always one common denominator. I was there. The one thing I was trying to run from was the only thing I always took with me. 

I never would have told you that I was running. I never really knew. I always had sound reasons for where I went and what I did. Or so I thought. But as with most things, retrospect has served as an undeniable aid in seeing the truth. And the truth is, I am not really comfortable with disappointment...from myself or others...real or imagined.

The "real or imagined" disclaimer is paramount in this discussion. It is virtually impossible for me to have a conversation without using it lately. Mostly due to the fact that a lot of my discontentment IS based in my imagination. My therapist refers to it as "the stories I tell myself". An apt description. Not very different from a child hearing a fairy tale, I believe these stories, and they become the monsters under my bed or the happily ever after I am convinced is right around the corner.

Oddly enough, for the past three years, I have started to become more comfortable WHERE I am. I like my home, I like my job, I like my surroundings...although I do not know that I am any more confident in the person I am. The stories I tell are no longer about how changing circumstances will make everything better, they remain focused on how changing WHO I am is the magic solution.

That is not entirely untrue. Change can be good...the trick, for me, is not to get too hung up on changing who I am...but rather to just be the best version I can be of myself on any given day in any given situation. When I am the best version of myself, when I choose to see the good in people and in the situations I put myself in, suddenly going elsewhere seems unnecessary. And oddly enough, I become content.

Seeing the people around me

As the commuter rail pulled out of Chelsea and started toward North Station, a woman started pushing and shoving her way toward the door from inside the train car. A sea of people stood between her and the door, and people immediately began to glare, grumble, even block her path. She persisted and when she was within five feet of John (my favorite conductor) she burst into tears and choked out that her husband had just been in a bad accident and she needed to get back to Newburyport. John promptly contacted the train that had just pulled out of the bay and had them come back and wait for her...he even went so far as to escort her to the track where her ride home was waiting.

Watching this situation unfold, I was reminded that we never know what people are experiencing. I often walk through my day so engulfed in my own thoughts, feelings and situations that I forget to open my eyes to what is going on around me. I really do not know what other people have going on with them.

When I forget that other people have their own experiences occurring, I become a perpetual victim..."he looked at me funny"..."she is making me late for work"...the list goes on and on. And how easy it for me to step into that role, like putting on a comfortable pair of shoes. 

When I blame, point fingers or take things personally, it is never a reflection of WHAT I am experiencing, but instead a reflection of HOW I am experiencing it.