Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Good grief

I am not sure how emotions got such a bad rap. When being sensitive became a character flaw. When crying became a sign of weakness. When anger became a thing to fear. Or when fear turned into a liability.

Over the past year I have done a lot of work to learn how to sit with the physical sensations that precede my reactions. That has been important because I label and judge emotion, and emotion is, after all...just a series of sensations.  Butterflies, sweaty palms, racing heartbeat...could be excited or frightened to death, right? Pausing and breathing after noticing sensations allows me to assess circumstances, and determine how I want to respond. For the most part anyway...it is a practice and I am in the infancy of trying it. 

The emotion of grief is particularly challenging for me. The heaviness in my heart, the stinging behind my eyes, the knot in my stomach...they are all not comfortable for me. Yet, they are a natural process by which my body is trying to let me know that I have sadness or grief to sit with. I think that grief is one of those experiences that I try to dodge, for fear that it will smother me. I will do anything to get away from it...none of which resolve it, but rather it gets stored in my body and come out in inappropriate and inaccurate expressions. The most common ways that it releases with me is in anger or isolation.

I know that not everyone expresses uncomfortable emotions the way that I do. I have met people that shop, drink, eat, drug, cut, clean, drive, exercise, and shut down to not sit in grief. I have been under the impression that grief is a choice, and that I can therefor choose to not have any. I have been told that grief is self-pity, that it is attention seeking, and that there are others who have it "worse than" me, and so I should get a better perspective. None of that is true.

My grief currently is related to noticing a shift in my relationships. I have changed a lot, my life has changed a lot, and the result is that my friendships have changed a lot. I feel disconnected from people that I have known for a long time and am struggling to connect with new folks. I feel generally awkward and uneasy in conversation, and struggle to rectify that. It has likely been this way since my father died, although I can not be certain of that. I am sure that such a significant loss resulted in not wanting to be close to people for fear of losing them.

Ironically, that is not how I think, and not what I want. It is simply what I have always done. To avoid grief, I avoid connection, which causes grief. Sitting with it is new for me. Allowing myself to be vulnerable and ask for what I need...a hug, a coffee date, a phone call. To engage in self-compassion and be aware that I do not need to isolate when I am sad, but instead have to reach out to the people I know love me.

I am almost excited about this...the idea that I can grieve and still be in relationship. I no longer need to hide from my grief, I have the option to embrace it, and even to use it to connect with others rather than disengaging. I have the ability to be honest and open with it, and stay embodied, present, and mindful that like all other sensations, these are temporary.

Who knew? Grief can be cleansing, freeing....good.


 

2 comments:

  1. Thank you for writing about it, so its out there... I so appreciate you for your courage and life energy. Keep going, my friend!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Silke. I try to be open about my truth...

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