This morning, I burst into tears, but there was no obvious reason. Two hours later, after feeling internally agitated I decided to leave the house to try to work on my thesis. While walking through the door, I looked at Inga, and my eyes welled up again. I am not OK.
I want to believe that I am not alone in my anxiety, fear, and sadness right now. I need to trust that other people are watching what is happening in our country and are just as outraged as I am. I want the feelings that I am having to compel me into action, and yet I am finding myself paralyzed. I am overwhelmed with the conflict, I am sickened by the polarization, I am offended by the lack of empathy and compassion. I am afraid to see what is happening, and I am equally afraid not to. I cannot tear my thoughts away from the destruction of a nation I am a citizen of.
I am not afraid of my President, per se. I am afraid of bigotry. I am afraid of prejudice. I am afraid of intolerance. I am afraid of misogyny. I am afraid of extremists...not only the ones beyond our borders...but also the ones that I am watching within the boundaries of our country. I am afraid of ignorance. I am afraid of the apparent lack of desire or capacity for intelligent and honest debate. I am afraid of the lack of foresight. I am afraid of finances being put ahead of social progress. I am afraid of the divisiveness that I am witnessing. I am afraid of people trying to shut down others voices. I am afraid that we no longer are united.
I am sad...I am sad to the core of my body. I am sad that we are not looking at the consequences of OUR behavior. I am sad that women stood together last week and were belittled for it. I am sad that people are made fun of for being terrified. I am sad that people who already feel marginalized are trying to find a way to stay connected to a society that by and large lacks the basic capacity for understanding their marginalization. I am sad that we have to have secret groups on Facebook to feel safe in our expression of our beliefs. I am sad that I have people in my orbit that say things like "stop being a baby" when I express my fears. I am sad that I have to write blogs like this, to purge my heart so I can focus on my school work.
I am really struggling to find a sense of equilibrium inside my own body. I feel like I am being assaulted by my sensations.
It feels like I am being held hostage and I do not know how to negotiate for my own release.
As I look around, I wonder if other's are in hostage situations as well. Fearing disconnect for expressing their views, challenged by the onslaught of inaccurate reassurances, wondering who is going to insure that we will protect the rights of those with dissenting views, leery of the outcome of the actions that are being taken. I wonder if anyone else feels guilty for not being soothed even after 2 million people worldwide stood up for their voices to be heard, willing to fight on a global level to make sure that we continue to move forward rather than backward.
I am not a victim. I am not a baby. I am not hysterical. I do not need to get over anything. I will not be silenced. I will be sad for as long as I am, I will be afraid until I am not, I will not diminish or excuse my feelings for anyone else's comfort. I refuse.
I will stand, with pride, as the woman I am... a whole, feeling, thinking, acting, breathing human.
