She swears that everywhere is perfect, 'cept the place she wants to leave

For most of my life, being somewhere or someone else has been my dominating thought. 

When I was a child I wanted to grow up. When I was at school I wanted to be outside playing. When I was outside playing I wanted to be camping. When I was camping I wanted to be at the beach. When I was at the beach I wanted to be at an amusement park. When I was good I wanted to be better. When I was bad, I wanted to be worse. When I was part of the crowd I wanted to stand out, and when I stood out I wanted to disappear.

As a young adult the thing I wanted to get away from was more intimate, it was me. I made a lot of attempts to get away. I tried alcohol, drugs, jobs, friends, cities, states, countries...but wherever I was and whatever I was doing, there was always one common denominator. I was there. The one thing I was trying to run from was the only thing I always took with me. 

I never would have told you that I was running. I never really knew. I always had sound reasons for where I went and what I did. Or so I thought. But as with most things, retrospect has served as an undeniable aid in seeing the truth. And the truth is, I am not really comfortable with disappointment...from myself or others...real or imagined.

The "real or imagined" disclaimer is paramount in this discussion. It is virtually impossible for me to have a conversation without using it lately. Mostly due to the fact that a lot of my discontentment IS based in my imagination. My therapist refers to it as "the stories I tell myself". An apt description. Not very different from a child hearing a fairy tale, I believe these stories, and they become the monsters under my bed or the happily ever after I am convinced is right around the corner.

Oddly enough, for the past three years, I have started to become more comfortable WHERE I am. I like my home, I like my job, I like my surroundings...although I do not know that I am any more confident in the person I am. The stories I tell are no longer about how changing circumstances will make everything better, they remain focused on how changing WHO I am is the magic solution.

That is not entirely untrue. Change can be good...the trick, for me, is not to get too hung up on changing who I am...but rather to just be the best version I can be of myself on any given day in any given situation. When I am the best version of myself, when I choose to see the good in people and in the situations I put myself in, suddenly going elsewhere seems unnecessary. And oddly enough, I become content.