I. Me. Sonja. Who?

I wonder who I am. Often, intensely, and longingly.

I wonder what I like. Who I like. What I want to do. What I want to be. What music is my style? What clothes do I want to wear? How do I want my hair to look? Where do I want to live? Who do I want to share myself with? Am I gay? Am I straight? Will I be successful? What do I want to succeed in? Do I believe in God? Did I want kids? Do I want to get married again? What kind of food do I want to eat?

I feel funny saying I do not know the answers to these questions, and yet it is true. Sometimes I feel like a chameleon, changing my self to blend in to my environment. At other times I feel like I am just walking on eggshells, trying to make my behavior match what I think other people want from me.

Here is an example...When I was 21 I was dating someone that told me that they did not like Bob Segar. For the next 12 years, any time Bob Segar came on the radio, I changed the station. Now, mind you, we had stopped dating 11 years before I realized that I wasn't the one I was changing the station for. I still do not know if I like his music, but I can listen if I choose to (right???).

At 43 years old, when I am busy comparing my inside thoughts to other people's outside appearances, I feel alone in my quest for self. I am sure that there are other people that feel the same way, but they all look so comfortable in their lives, in their choices, in their skin. I hope they are.

Someday I will wake up in the morning and worry more about what I want, what I feel, what I like, what I need and what I love than about how I am perceived by others. And when that day comes...I imagine Bob Segar will be playing on the radio in the background...